Makenna's 2nd Birthday Party!

I can't believe Makenna is 2! Where did the time go? This year we rented the pavilion at Whistle Stop Park for her party, which is this really cool park next to the train station. The theme of her party was "Pink Lemonade Picnic". Here is her invitation:

For favors, I made each family a bag with lemonade mix and pink and yellow jelly beans.
(I ordered her invitations, banner, thank you cards, cupcake/favor tags, and water bottle labels from this shop on Etsy).

We had a picnic with hot dogs, chips, fruit, pink lemonade cookies, and of course pink and yellow lemonade. The adults drank their lemonade out of mason jars, and the kiddos had Capri Suns.

We had birthday cupcakes instead of cake, which I ordered from Gogos Cupcakes. We had strawberry lemonade cupcakes and chocolate with vanilla icing.

(I ordered Makenna's shirt from this shop on Etsy.)

I think Makenna had a good time. One of my favorite parts of the party was that in the middle of opening her gifts she just stopped and wiped her forehead and goes "juice, juice!" like she was so exhausted from opening gifts! She is the funniest, sweetest little girl, and we are so blessed to have her in our lives.

At her 2 year check-up yeserday she weighed 23.8 pounds and was about 32 inches tall. She is still a tiny little thing!

The pink lemonade cookies at her party were a big hit! I got the recipe off of Pinterest, and thought I would share it with you. It is super easy, and super yummy!(I got the recipe from this website).

Strawberry Pink Lemonade Cookies

Cookies-

Strawberry cake mix
1 stick butter, softened
2 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1 Tbs. water
1/4 cup pink lemonade mix ( I used strawberry lemonade for a couple of batches, and it actually tasted better than the pink lemonade!)

Add all of your above ingredients into your mixing bowl and mix well. Drop by a heaping teaspoon onto your cookie sheet. I chose to grease my cookie sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 8-10 minutes.

Grumble

As in GIANT complaining grumbling post. The past couple days have not been so great compared to the rest of the time since I've been back at school. This is to be expected since every teacher knows the last 2 weeks you just buckle yourself in and hold on tight! It seriously feels like I am a zookeeper instead of a teacher.

We took up the students' iPads on Wednesday and oh.my.gosh. it has been SO NUTSO since then. The hallways are 10 kazillion times louder, and classes where I have had literally no behavior problems all year have suddenly sprouted quite the little attitudes towards me. They and I are SO ready to be done, and we still have until the 30th. Blek! Yesterday I seriously think my blood pressure was like 250 over 175 during one of my classes. I am SO tired of them not being prepared and asking me the SAME questions over and over again because they DON'T listen. Blah blah blah.

So put yourself in that environment and state of mind to understand why these two things upset me.

Yesterday was open enrollment for insurance, so we were having to update all of our policies and such. I had decided that I needed to get life insurance for the girls, because we don't have any policies on them in case something were to ever happen. So, he said I was eligible for $50,000 more on myself, and if I added that, then I could pay just $5.00 a month to add both of the girls. I decided that was perfect, so told him to sign me up.

Well the first question on the eligibility form is "Have you been hospitalized in the last 6 months?"

Awkward, sad, pause.

I said "Well yes, I had a stillbirth, so it was just for having a baby."

He awkwardly says "oh. I am so sorry"

At first I think he is just sorry for me losing Brittyn, but really he is sorry because that means no $50,000 for me and no $5.00 for the girls. ( I signed them up separate from me for a few more dollars).

So then I proceed to go back to my classroom and cry. I mean, really? I lose a child and now I am ineligible for life insurance? I hadn't had a sad day in awhile, but with all the other chaos around me, that just took me to a sad place.

So then comes today.

I just had another one of those awful I.want.to.rip.my.hair.out.of.my.head days with my students. My patience with their 2nd grade behavior in a 6th grade class is pretty much gone for the year. I am super patient if they don't understand a concept we are learning about, but seriously I can't take the attitudes, and the apathy one.more.day. Except I have to. 7 more to be exact. :)

Yesterday I get the bright idea to start back to Weight Watchers today. I don't have any normal pants that fit me, because I am still 30 pounds heavier than I was last summer, and I need to lose weight. I really felt like I was ready, for that fact alone. But then those kids made me so stressed out, all I wanted to do was eat!

But then I remembered I couldn't because of my diet.

And then I remembered that I was on my diet because I lost a baby, not because I had one in my arms like the last two times I've lost weight.

So then I just got depressed.

Which caused me to be a really mean mommy and wife this evening. I was just so sad. And so stressed. And so NOT full of patience for my own children because I used it all up on 130 other kids at school today. Talk about guilt. Some days I just realize how desperately inadequate for my life I truly am, and how the only way to overcome it is with God. I just need to let Him take me through these last few days of school, and these future years of grief.

Because He can handle it...

And I DEFINITELY cannot without His help.

End Grumble.

Happy Mother's Day to Me!

This weekend we completed another big gardening project in honor of Brittyn. It was actually my Mother's Day present to finally put flower beds in front of the house. When we bought the house 5 1/2 years ago it had these horrible bushes in front of it!

We tore them out a couple of years ago and have never been able to redo them. So they have looked like this since then.

We had several family members and friends who sent us money and gift cards to help us through this time, so since we had the money that had been donated specifically for a garden for Brittyn, and since we weren't having to pay for food (because of the Gift Cards) we were able to afford to do the flower beds!

It was quite a process, and quite the workout! Casey got a big load of dirt and bricks, which helped us set up the flower beds.

We picked out the plants on Saturday. We did 6 double knock-out rose bushes, 2 "blue Heaven" Hydrangeas, 6 snapdragons, and 3 dozen Pintas.

This area is specifically in memory of Brittyn, complete with a stone my mom's best friend gave us. (Brittyn means "peace" which makes it even more special)

Last we put the mulch in place, and I think it turned out looking perfect!

It has been a great weekend, with only a few tears. Tomorrow marks the 1 month mark of her birthday, and the past couple of days I have been remembering the labor I was in just a month ago. Today I went to visit Brittyn's grave, and it was sad to be there and realize she really is gone. Several songs have been ministering to me the past month, but this weekend I have been listening to "Blessings" by Laura Story. These lyrics have spoken so much to me. It is so very true that this is not our home, and we need to remember that every single day. We so often do pray for things to comfort us on this earth and don't ever stop to think that maybe the things we go through that are trials are his mercies in disguise. So powerful to think about!

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

A Missed Appointment

In so many ways it seems like it has been FOREVER since I was pregnant with Brittyn. When I think back to 4 weeks ago, it seems like so much has happened since then, that years have gone by. But when I looked at my calendar today, I saw that I was supposed to have my 27 week check-up this afternoon, after school. So then I realized, it has only been 4 weeks. Then on the other hand, I can't believe it is already time for me to have another appointment! Today was going to be the fun one, with the Glucose test. At least I don't have to do that. :)

Time is a funny thing. It really plays tricks on you, and at the same time helps you heal. I think of Brittyn every day, with every breath. But when I think about how I was just 2 or 3 weeks ago, I have already begun the healing process in so many ways. I really am coming to grips with the fact that this is what God wanted. He wanted her to be in Heaven with Him, instead of here with me. That is comforting in a lot of ways.

I think this weekend and following week will be hard for me. After all, it is Mother's Day. About 5 weeks ago I said to Casey "Every single time I have been pregnant, even with Baby #2, I was pregnant on Mother's Day! That is so neat!". Little did I know, that Brittyn would not be in my belly this Mother's Day. I think that is going to be hard for me. Plus, the next day is the one month mark, and the day after that (the 15th) marks the day I began having my miscarriage 3 years ago.

So, rough week ahead, but I know God is going to carry me through, just like he has for the past 4 weeks.

Look at this pretty necklace I ordered to remember Brittyn each day! Isn't it great? I ordered it from this etsy site. She does all sorts of stamped necklaces that are really cute, if you are looking for a Mother's Day gift for yourself! :)

Mostly Guilty Confessions

I have been wanting to blog about the guilt I have been feeling, basically since I had Brittyn. I just never really knew how to bring it up without seeming incredibly pathetic. I really feel like it is normal for every parent who has lost a child to try to find a reason for their loss. Naturally, since I have such problems with anxiety (especially postpartum) a lot of that has transferred into me trying to find a cause for Brittyn's death, which in turn has led to a lot of guilty feelings. Let me explain what I mean.

Some of you know this already, but Brittyn was not a planned pregnancy. I somewhat subconciously always wanted our third one to be a surprise, but logically I was not planning on a surprise. I was planning on planning my third pregnancy. But, God had other plans. No reason to explain how she was a surprise...she just was.

I joked about this through most of the pregnancy by saying "What teacher, in their right mind would ever PLAN to have a baby in August??"

Which leads me to my guilty feelings. From the very beginning I was SO happy to have Brittyn growing inside me, but I was also terrified on how "we" would make it work. So instead of focusing on the positives, for the first couple of months I worried about all of the logistics. So I feel guilty. I feel guilty for having anything but happy thoughts. I feel guilty for feeling like August was not a "convenient" time to have a baby. I feel guilty for being scared to move Makenna in with Kailey to make room for Brittyn. I feel guilty for only taking two belly pics of me while I was pregnant with her. As if she wasn't just as important as them to me. I feel guilty for eating sandwiches (they say you shouldn't..) and drinking Diet Coke (never did with the other two. Only real coke once past the first trimester). I feel guilty for not paying closer attention to her movements. She had been gone probably two weeks when we found no heartbeat. I am her mother, I should have noticed something was wrong.

And I could go on.

Is this normal? Yes. Do I want to feel guilty anymore? NO. Everyday I pray for God to take my thoughts captive, because that is what causes me to be at the bottom of the roller coaster of my grief. Each day He helps me, if I let Him. Which brings me to the realization I came to today. (This is why the post isn't just called "guilty confessions" because there is a bright light at the end of the post).

Today I had my postpartum doctor's appointment. I don't know why I wasn't expecting it to be hard, but it definitely was. I mean walking into an office with newborn babies and pregnant women...to the very place I got some of the worst news of my life just 3 weeks before today? The funny thing is that my doctor knew it was hard for me. The first thing he said when he saw me was "I really wish we didn't have to have this appointment here in this office. I'm sorry". (Sidenote...did I ever tell you I have the world's best doctor? Only 300 times? Ok oops sorry..)

Anyway, so he was sitting talking with Casey and I about how we are feeling and I explained my most recent guilty thought. I told him that I want another baby so badly, but I'm afraid that when I get pregnant and have that child, all I will think is "Well if we had never lost Brittyn, we wouldn't have you! And I LOVE you so much Baby #5!"

Because you see...that day, that we found out there was no heartbeat, was the day I was going to ask my doctor about getting my tubes tied.

You see in my plan, Brittyn was my last baby. (For health concerns...NOT because I didn't want any more children). In my plans my surprise third baby was my last baby. So to me, having another one would never have happened in my plans. Which to me, in my warped guilty mind, means that to have another baby would be to replace Brittyn.

But, he said something to me that other people have said to me, but I guess because it came from him it stuck. He said "You can never replace her. You will always be the mother of four children".

So that made me have one of those "bing!" lightbulb moments. I need to let go of ALL of this guilt. Especially the guilt over having another baby because, another baby was not in my plans. But it was in God's plan.

I am not in control.

He is.

In His plan, I have 2 children on earth, and 2 in Heaven, and hopefully even more on earth. In His plan, He wasn't wanting me to get my tubes tied after Brittyn. This was His plan. So should I feel guilty for having another baby if He allows it one day? Absolutely not. Because, that would mean that was His plan for my life. So why would I feel guilty for that?

The challenge is getting my mind to listen to myself. Which like I said before, will only come when I pray for Him to take my thoughts captive, and actually allowing Him to do it.

One of those days

I try really hard to be thankful in my situation and I have been really trying to "look on the bright side" ever since I found out about losing Brittyn. Today has been one of those days that it has been really hard to do that.

When I first got to school today, it was May 1st so I had to flip my desk calendar to the new month. Well, It was a pretty depressing sight. I had to cross out two doctor's appointments, and every Tuesday had already been labeled with how far along I should be with Brittyn. So now I have this constant reminder on my desk every.single.day that I lost her.

Secondly, one of my coworkers' wives went into labor last night and the baby was born this morning. So all anybody wanted to talk about and ask about was "have you heard anything??" "has she had it yet??". Don't get me wrong, I am super happy for him that they are starting a family. It is just hard to hear all of that, and to see pictures of a new baby girl and realize that yours died.

That kinda got me to thinking today. It is almost like I feel guilty for mourning Brittyn sometimes. I mean, I have two healthy, beautiful little girls. So sometimes I feel like I should focus on that instead of on losing her. I put that guilt on myself, but there have also been people who have either said "doesn't she already have two kids?" about me, or when they talk to me they act as if I should already be "over it". All of that contributes to me not really knowing what to do with my emotions of losing her.

I think another really big part of it is that I want to reflect Christ in everything I do. I have this pressure on myself to act and present myself a certain way. But really, that isn't want I should be doing at all. Just because I am a Christian, doesn't mean that I don't have certain feelings and emotions. It also doesn't mean that I'm not ever going to go through really bad things that make me feel really crappy. I don't think God wants me to bottle that up and pretend that everything is ok, when it isn't. I guess I am just caught between the realization that I have tremendous blessings in my life and not wanting to sound gripy, and the realization that even though I do have tremendous blessings, it is ok for me to feel bad and to express it.

This afternoon was pretty hard for me at school. Usually at school I am ok because my mind is on other things, but today it was like all up in my face all day, so it was hard. I talked to one of my coworkers about it, and she was really encouraging to me. Then the school counselor came and talked to me to, he just said he felt like he needed to give me a hug today, which was really nice.

Thirdly (that was a really long secondly..), I got home and a headstone company had sent us some nonrequested brochures. In other words, they read Brittyn's obituary and sent us some brochures. So that just reminded me that tomorrow after my doctor's appointment, I have to go pick out Brittyn's headstone.

My first week of "normal"

This was my first week back at school. I was ready to come back for the most part physically, and emotionally I figured I would never really be ready. I wasn't sure how the first few days back would go. I knew there might be questions and probably some hugs. It has been pretty interesting actually. Some people don't know what to say, so they just completely ignore me, while others don't know what to say and so they just hug me. It is always hard to know what to do when someone has had a tragedy in their life, so I understand not really knowing what to say or do. I have definitely had a lot of encouraging words from the majority of my co-workers which has really helped me to have a great week. Several teachers I work with don't know me very well, but have told me they are reading my blog and that they love it. So I guess I'll keep writing. :) I definitely have done better emotionally this week than last week. But part of me almost feels guilty for that. It's like, I have been so busy this week, that I haven't had as much time to think about Brittyn, which makes me really sad. I know that is the way it is supposed to be in a sense, but it is still hard. In the evenings when I get home I have been really tired, but thankfully my mother-in-law was with us this week to help take care of everybody. The evenings have been the hard part emotionally for me, because when I would finally get home and sit down, it would hit me exactly why my mother-in-law was here, and why I was so tired. It is definitely like a roller coaster with me. Thankfully most of the time this week I have been on the top of the roller coaster, feeling so thankful for all of my blessings. I also learned one thing that the death of Brittyn has helped me with. This is somewhat of a hard thing for me to admit, but I am going to anyway. Ever since Makenna has been born, Kailey has been in her "terrible twos". Except she is 4. She is a very strong-willed child, and it feels like, especially when she was 3, we were having to spank her constantly or constantly discipline her in some other way. Meanwhile, Makenna was what I would call my "sweet little angel baby" always happy, always smiling. She has always been a momma clinger, and wanted to be right with me. So in a sense, I started feeling like I was starting to like being around Makenna more than with Kailey. This always made me feel incredibly guilty, and I have been praying and working through it for awhile. Well, ever since Brittyn passed away, I have been feeling so much love and delight for Kailey. I see the good in her, much more than her discipline problems. I have been able to focus on that instead of the times she is not acting right. I feel so much better about my relationship with her, and my love for her. This is all right in time for Makenna to start her "terrible twos". haha (Oh and boy has she! Merciful heavens!) Thank those of you who have been praying for me this week as I started back. I think God has showed a lot to me about people through all of this, and I think I am friends with some of the best people on earth. You guys are helping me through this more than you know. :)