One of those days

I try really hard to be thankful in my situation and I have been really trying to "look on the bright side" ever since I found out about losing Brittyn. Today has been one of those days that it has been really hard to do that.

When I first got to school today, it was May 1st so I had to flip my desk calendar to the new month. Well, It was a pretty depressing sight. I had to cross out two doctor's appointments, and every Tuesday had already been labeled with how far along I should be with Brittyn. So now I have this constant reminder on my desk every.single.day that I lost her.

Secondly, one of my coworkers' wives went into labor last night and the baby was born this morning. So all anybody wanted to talk about and ask about was "have you heard anything??" "has she had it yet??". Don't get me wrong, I am super happy for him that they are starting a family. It is just hard to hear all of that, and to see pictures of a new baby girl and realize that yours died.

That kinda got me to thinking today. It is almost like I feel guilty for mourning Brittyn sometimes. I mean, I have two healthy, beautiful little girls. So sometimes I feel like I should focus on that instead of on losing her. I put that guilt on myself, but there have also been people who have either said "doesn't she already have two kids?" about me, or when they talk to me they act as if I should already be "over it". All of that contributes to me not really knowing what to do with my emotions of losing her.

I think another really big part of it is that I want to reflect Christ in everything I do. I have this pressure on myself to act and present myself a certain way. But really, that isn't want I should be doing at all. Just because I am a Christian, doesn't mean that I don't have certain feelings and emotions. It also doesn't mean that I'm not ever going to go through really bad things that make me feel really crappy. I don't think God wants me to bottle that up and pretend that everything is ok, when it isn't. I guess I am just caught between the realization that I have tremendous blessings in my life and not wanting to sound gripy, and the realization that even though I do have tremendous blessings, it is ok for me to feel bad and to express it.

This afternoon was pretty hard for me at school. Usually at school I am ok because my mind is on other things, but today it was like all up in my face all day, so it was hard. I talked to one of my coworkers about it, and she was really encouraging to me. Then the school counselor came and talked to me to, he just said he felt like he needed to give me a hug today, which was really nice.

Thirdly (that was a really long secondly..), I got home and a headstone company had sent us some nonrequested brochures. In other words, they read Brittyn's obituary and sent us some brochures. So that just reminded me that tomorrow after my doctor's appointment, I have to go pick out Brittyn's headstone.