I can't believe it has been one year. One year of an empty womb. One year since I held my precious, perfectly formed baby. One year of having to trust in God, even when sometimes it was hard. One year of realizing that I am not in control, even when I really think that I am. My eyes are burning from the tears I have cried today, on Brittyn's first Heavenly birthday, but I am finishing the day with unexplainable peace, love, and incredible joy.
These past few days have been incredibly hard for me. I think about Brittyn every single day of the year. Some days it is a fleeting thought about how she is gone, other days I think about things I remember from this time last year. Obviously this week I have let myself go back to that place, more than I typically do, which has been really good for me. All I have are the moments between April 10th, and April 14th to remember her by. That is all, so I treasure what I have from those days, even if some of the moments are so incredibly sad.
I remember how light she was at 14 oz, I remember how soft she was in her bundle of a blanket that I still have today. I remember the way she smelled, and how tiny tiny her little fists and feet were. I remember what her little lips looked like and how her face looked like Makenna.
It has been a roller coaster of a year for me, but I like to think that it has mostly been on the "up" of the roller coaster, instead of the "down". Here are some of the many "ups" and positive realizations that have come to be, because of losing Brittyn (in a totally random order):
1. I really love my children. I mean, I always thought I did, but losing her has taught me just how much I love them. Every single day (no exaggeration) there is at least one moment, where I catch myself looking at them and treasuring the moment with them. (There are plenty of those "I am going to pull my hair out" moments too, don't get me wrong, but I can honestly say there is at least one moment each day where this is true). I have always said "babies are a blessing" and last year, I saw a tiny little baby at 23 weeks gestation, and it showed me what a miracle each child truly is.
2. I have such a strong belief in God's Sovereignty. In my head, I have always known He is in control. But, He really is. He sees the plan for my life, and He knows why Brittyn is with Him, instead of with us. He knows what is best for my life, even when I feel like the best is different. Knowing this about God gives me such incredible peace, and such incredible faith in those moments that I am feeling myself start to be discouraged or upset. Believe me there have been moments when I have been so sad and moments where I could not understand why this has happened, and the Holy Spirit reminds me that I don't know the full story. I don't know the big picture. I have to trust Him, because He, and only He does.
3. In December, Casey and I went to the Women of Faith Christmas celebration. While there, God laid it upon my heart to go the World Vision table to see if any of the children had Brittyn's birthday. Sure enough, we found Klajda, who was born on April 14, 2001, the year Casey and I met. We knew it was meant for us to find her, and we have been sponsoring her ever since. Without losing Brittyn, she might not have a sponsor, and her life would be drastically different.
4. With your help we have a mostly funded well being built in Uganda that will have Brittyn's name on it! 1,000 people in Uganda will get clean drinking water from this well. To think that without losing Brittyn, those people wouldn't have clean drinking water is an incredibly humbling feeling. So incredible. (I say mostly funded, because we are just under $2,000. They really like to collect between $2,000-$2,400, so if you still want to contribute go to
Holden Uganda and find Brittyn's well under the Donate/Support tab).
5. The BEW Weight Loss challenge was a success! I lost 16.8 pounds, and over all there were
73.8 pounds lost in the competition! Those are pounds that might not have been lost if it weren't for the competition we held in Brittyn's name. (blog to follow about the competition!)
6. I feel like I realize why I was in labor for so long with her. I mean 40 + hours of labor was not anything I had ever experienced, and at times it was excruciating. I remember begging God to let her come, and so many of you were asking God for the same thing. I now realize that if I had delivered her within a couple of hours, that would have been so hard for me. To go from being pregnant, to finding out she was gone, to delivering her, to handing her over, within a short period of time just wouldn't have been good for me. So He, in His Sovereignty allowed me to labor for hours, so I would have those moments to remember her by. I treasure those moments because I really saw how much we are loved by so many of you that came by the hospital, or called me, or collected gift cards for us, or gathered to pray for us, you name it. Those hours really showed me what true friends I have in you, and for that I am incredibly grateful. (Read Brittyn's birth story
here.
7. Yesterday evening I went through my "Brittyn box". It is FULL of all the cards and letters people sent to us during the weeks following Brittyn's death. I read every single one of them, and found tidbits of truths that I had forgotten about. A spouse of a coworker wrote me a very kind email last year, where she spoke about how my love for Brittyn will be different than for my other two girls, but that I will still find a way to love them all. Casey read the email for the first time, and I suppose he thought about it through the night. This morning at church, he said to me "Sometimes I find it hard to be as sad as you about losing Brittyn, because I find so much joy in the two girls we do have". It was a total light-bulb moment for me. I feel like God looked down and spoke to me. One of the BEST ways that I can love Brittyn, and that I can show love for Brittyn is by loving Kailey, Makenna, and Casey well. Brittyn is full of so much love right now in Heaven, she is not lacking for any. This whole year, every time a date came around that was a memory for me, I just would get so incredibly sad, and almost feel like I HAD to mourn her, or I wasn't giving her memory justice. I think it was so good for me to go through this year of mourning her in that way, but I have such peace today, because I don't need to do that anymore. The way I will love Brittyn from now on, is by loving my husband and my girls. That brings the most amount of love to my sweet Brittyn. That is what will make her smile down on us from Heaven, I just know it!
It has been a hard year, and one I hope I never have to repeat, but I am so thankful for all that God has shown me, and I can only hope that I am using the loss of Brittyn in the way that He hoped I would, to bring glory to His name.
