Mostly Guilty Confessions

I have been wanting to blog about the guilt I have been feeling, basically since I had Brittyn. I just never really knew how to bring it up without seeming incredibly pathetic. I really feel like it is normal for every parent who has lost a child to try to find a reason for their loss. Naturally, since I have such problems with anxiety (especially postpartum) a lot of that has transferred into me trying to find a cause for Brittyn's death, which in turn has led to a lot of guilty feelings. Let me explain what I mean.

Some of you know this already, but Brittyn was not a planned pregnancy. I somewhat subconciously always wanted our third one to be a surprise, but logically I was not planning on a surprise. I was planning on planning my third pregnancy. But, God had other plans. No reason to explain how she was a surprise...she just was.

I joked about this through most of the pregnancy by saying "What teacher, in their right mind would ever PLAN to have a baby in August??"

Which leads me to my guilty feelings. From the very beginning I was SO happy to have Brittyn growing inside me, but I was also terrified on how "we" would make it work. So instead of focusing on the positives, for the first couple of months I worried about all of the logistics. So I feel guilty. I feel guilty for having anything but happy thoughts. I feel guilty for feeling like August was not a "convenient" time to have a baby. I feel guilty for being scared to move Makenna in with Kailey to make room for Brittyn. I feel guilty for only taking two belly pics of me while I was pregnant with her. As if she wasn't just as important as them to me. I feel guilty for eating sandwiches (they say you shouldn't..) and drinking Diet Coke (never did with the other two. Only real coke once past the first trimester). I feel guilty for not paying closer attention to her movements. She had been gone probably two weeks when we found no heartbeat. I am her mother, I should have noticed something was wrong.

And I could go on.

Is this normal? Yes. Do I want to feel guilty anymore? NO. Everyday I pray for God to take my thoughts captive, because that is what causes me to be at the bottom of the roller coaster of my grief. Each day He helps me, if I let Him. Which brings me to the realization I came to today. (This is why the post isn't just called "guilty confessions" because there is a bright light at the end of the post).

Today I had my postpartum doctor's appointment. I don't know why I wasn't expecting it to be hard, but it definitely was. I mean walking into an office with newborn babies and pregnant women...to the very place I got some of the worst news of my life just 3 weeks before today? The funny thing is that my doctor knew it was hard for me. The first thing he said when he saw me was "I really wish we didn't have to have this appointment here in this office. I'm sorry". (Sidenote...did I ever tell you I have the world's best doctor? Only 300 times? Ok oops sorry..)

Anyway, so he was sitting talking with Casey and I about how we are feeling and I explained my most recent guilty thought. I told him that I want another baby so badly, but I'm afraid that when I get pregnant and have that child, all I will think is "Well if we had never lost Brittyn, we wouldn't have you! And I LOVE you so much Baby #5!"

Because you see...that day, that we found out there was no heartbeat, was the day I was going to ask my doctor about getting my tubes tied.

You see in my plan, Brittyn was my last baby. (For health concerns...NOT because I didn't want any more children). In my plans my surprise third baby was my last baby. So to me, having another one would never have happened in my plans. Which to me, in my warped guilty mind, means that to have another baby would be to replace Brittyn.

But, he said something to me that other people have said to me, but I guess because it came from him it stuck. He said "You can never replace her. You will always be the mother of four children".

So that made me have one of those "bing!" lightbulb moments. I need to let go of ALL of this guilt. Especially the guilt over having another baby because, another baby was not in my plans. But it was in God's plan.

I am not in control.

He is.

In His plan, I have 2 children on earth, and 2 in Heaven, and hopefully even more on earth. In His plan, He wasn't wanting me to get my tubes tied after Brittyn. This was His plan. So should I feel guilty for having another baby if He allows it one day? Absolutely not. Because, that would mean that was His plan for my life. So why would I feel guilty for that?

The challenge is getting my mind to listen to myself. Which like I said before, will only come when I pray for Him to take my thoughts captive, and actually allowing Him to do it.