Grumble

As in GIANT complaining grumbling post. The past couple days have not been so great compared to the rest of the time since I've been back at school. This is to be expected since every teacher knows the last 2 weeks you just buckle yourself in and hold on tight! It seriously feels like I am a zookeeper instead of a teacher.

We took up the students' iPads on Wednesday and oh.my.gosh. it has been SO NUTSO since then. The hallways are 10 kazillion times louder, and classes where I have had literally no behavior problems all year have suddenly sprouted quite the little attitudes towards me. They and I are SO ready to be done, and we still have until the 30th. Blek! Yesterday I seriously think my blood pressure was like 250 over 175 during one of my classes. I am SO tired of them not being prepared and asking me the SAME questions over and over again because they DON'T listen. Blah blah blah.

So put yourself in that environment and state of mind to understand why these two things upset me.

Yesterday was open enrollment for insurance, so we were having to update all of our policies and such. I had decided that I needed to get life insurance for the girls, because we don't have any policies on them in case something were to ever happen. So, he said I was eligible for $50,000 more on myself, and if I added that, then I could pay just $5.00 a month to add both of the girls. I decided that was perfect, so told him to sign me up.

Well the first question on the eligibility form is "Have you been hospitalized in the last 6 months?"

Awkward, sad, pause.

I said "Well yes, I had a stillbirth, so it was just for having a baby."

He awkwardly says "oh. I am so sorry"

At first I think he is just sorry for me losing Brittyn, but really he is sorry because that means no $50,000 for me and no $5.00 for the girls. ( I signed them up separate from me for a few more dollars).

So then I proceed to go back to my classroom and cry. I mean, really? I lose a child and now I am ineligible for life insurance? I hadn't had a sad day in awhile, but with all the other chaos around me, that just took me to a sad place.

So then comes today.

I just had another one of those awful I.want.to.rip.my.hair.out.of.my.head days with my students. My patience with their 2nd grade behavior in a 6th grade class is pretty much gone for the year. I am super patient if they don't understand a concept we are learning about, but seriously I can't take the attitudes, and the apathy one.more.day. Except I have to. 7 more to be exact. :)

Yesterday I get the bright idea to start back to Weight Watchers today. I don't have any normal pants that fit me, because I am still 30 pounds heavier than I was last summer, and I need to lose weight. I really felt like I was ready, for that fact alone. But then those kids made me so stressed out, all I wanted to do was eat!

But then I remembered I couldn't because of my diet.

And then I remembered that I was on my diet because I lost a baby, not because I had one in my arms like the last two times I've lost weight.

So then I just got depressed.

Which caused me to be a really mean mommy and wife this evening. I was just so sad. And so stressed. And so NOT full of patience for my own children because I used it all up on 130 other kids at school today. Talk about guilt. Some days I just realize how desperately inadequate for my life I truly am, and how the only way to overcome it is with God. I just need to let Him take me through these last few days of school, and these future years of grief.

Because He can handle it...

And I DEFINITELY cannot without His help.

End Grumble.