Kelly's Korner Link-Up

I know alot of you read the Kelly's Korner blog. Well, most Fridays she has a "show us your life" time with various themes. It might be "show us your favorite room in your house" or my all time fave "show us your single friends" where I try to get my sister Emily to link-up and meet somebody!! This week ironically (or more like God-planned) was about people who have lost a child. So, this post is to link-up and share my story with some of the other moms who have also lost kiddos. For those of you who don't know me, and are coming from Kelly's blog, I have actually lost two babies. One was 3 years go, through a miscarriage at 6 1/2 weeks pregnant. Then last Saturday, I gave birth to my stillborn daughter, Brittyn Elizabeth at 23 1/2 weeks pregnant. Here are the links to my posts that tell about Brittyn's story: How we found out Brittyn passed away. Brittyn's Birth Story. Brittyn's Memorial Service. How I'm Feeling Now-a week after losing her. (I apologize for the way these links posted right on top of each other. This new blogger format is not working for me!)

Brittyn's Garden

I mentioned in a previous post that when I think of Brittyn I think of all things Spring. Flowers, beautiful weather, the wind. Since this is the case, I decided to make a little garden for her in our backyard. I am NOT very good at gardening, however, so instead of a garden in the ground, I made one with pots and "window boxes" hanging off of our deck. We will see how it goes! Here are a few pictures. I started with some simple clay pots, and some durable plants!

Many Warring Emotions

I have had a very peaceful week off from school. The girls went to daycare everyday except for yetserday, so I was able to get a lot of rest, and work on some projects to honor Brittyn, which I'll post about later. One thing that I am beginning to realize is that as I go through this grief journey, it is going to be much like a roller coaster. One minute I am feeling fine, and so thankful for all that God has given us, and the next minute I am in tears because I am sad for all I am going to miss out on experiencing with Brittyn. I am so thankful for everyone who is praying for us, and sending us sympathy cards and gifts in the mail. It is really such an encouragement. When I get these things in the mail, it helps me to make it through what we are going through. These are the moments that I am at the top of the roller coaster. The times I am at the bottom of the roller coaster are when I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to still be pregnant with Brittyn, and expecting her in August. It makes me so sad I am not going to smell her newborn skin, and dress her in her pretty outfits that are already hanging in her closet. It's like I want so badly to be pregnant again, but in the very next breath I can't imagine being pregnant with any baby except for Brittyn. I just don't want to replace her. So I am just stuck in this place of not really knowing what to do about another baby one day. I really just want this all to be a really bad dream. I just want her back so badly, which obviously cannot happen. Then, if I feel like God wants us to try for another baby, there is the whole gender issue. Part of me cannot stand the thought of NOT having another baby girl. I mean I already was all excited about having 3 sisters. But then the other part of me can't stand the thought of it being a baby girl, because like I said, I don't want to replace Brittyn. Then there is the part of me that feels guilty for only thinking of Brittyn right now. Sometimes I just think about her and cry, and then I have to snap out of it, because of my girls. I know there is a reason that God gave me Kailey and Makenna, and did not give me Brittyn, and even though I don't understand why, I have to remember this and treasure my sweet girls and be the mommy they need me to be. So that is where I am today. With MANY warring emotions. I am thankful I don't have to figure all of this out right now, and I am thankful God is taking care of me in the midst of my confusion. I am starting back to work on Monday, which will be hard, but good I think. I will give an update on Brittyn's Garden in a new post sometime this weekend. It turned out really perfect. :)

Today

I feel like I should blog today, since we had Brittyn's service this morning. This post may not be coherant thoughts, because I have so MANY thoughts running around in my head right now, but we'll try.

The service was just what I wanted really. We had her service at the cemetary in a small pavilion close to the gate. The weather was beautiful, and windy. But I actually really liked the wind, and even as it continued the rest of the day, I sort of think that maybe whenever we have windy spring days in the future, I will now always think of Brittyn. Pastor Ron did a great job with the Scripture, and the words of the service. Brittyn's tiny casket was at the front of the pavilion, with beautiful flowers around her. I held her blanket in my lap so that I had a part of her with me. We sang "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord" and listened to "I Will Carry You" by Todd and Angie Smith, which was probably the hardest part of the service. That song is always sad, but when the baby being sung about is your baby it is much more difficult. We had just enough people come to the service, including dear friends from out of town, and people I work with or used to work with at my old school. Everyone did a wonderful job of showing us love today.

I think the weirdest part now, is that in a sense it is over. Except it's not. It is hard for me to go from having Brittyn in my stomach, to her not being there anymore, and her not being here either. I don't know how I am supposed to go from me supposed to be turning 6 months pregnant tomorrow, to now not being pregnant at all. How do I erase all of the plans I had in my head? I was supposed to be 30 weeks pregnant when school ended and when I throw Makenna's 2 year old birthday party. I am supposed to sit in my house in high air conditioning all summer trying not to swell beyond recognition. I am supposed to get to miss inservice and the first 3 weeks of school and be at home with a newborn instead. I don't know how to erase these plans of mine and start over.

I want to go back to the cemetary and see where she is. I mean, I know she isn't there, but I want to see where she is. I want to make sure she is safe and that her area looks pretty enough for her. I don't know. It's just hard. Kailey has it much more figured out than me. It is really amazing how little children have such a pure belief in God and they don't let any of their human thoughts and desires get in the way. This is a conversation I had with her last night:

Kailey: Mommy, why are you crying?
Me: Because I wish baby Brittyn was alive.
Kailey: But she is mommy, in Heaven!
Me: Well we want her to live with us.
Kailey: Well we will get to live with her in Heaven someday!

So true. I mean how much better than this earth is that? Why should I want her here, when she can be there?

For some reason when I think of Brittyn I think of beautiful plants and flowers, so I am going to try to take up some gardening this week. I'm going to try to make this hanging plant garden I found on Pinterest, and hopefully be able to keep it alive. I like the idea of having plants to take care of, that will remind me of her, that I can care for instead of her. Hopefully that works out, because I definitely don't normally have much of a green thumb.

We have definitely had a peace throughout the past few days, which I know only comes from God. I also know we have it, because of all of your prayers for us. Speaking of peace, we found out that Brittyn's name means "peace". How perfect. We always thought it just meant "Britain". haha I'm glad we didn't find that out until now, it is so much more special this way.

This was a jumbled post, but that is kinda where I'm at today. Jumbled. :)

Brittyn Elizabeth's Birth Story

Brittyn Elizabeth Williams was born at 1:49 am on April 14, 2012. But her birth story began much earlier than that!

After I had the procedure done on Wednesday afternoon (April 11), I was in mild pain for that whole night. I slept until about 3:15am, and then I couldn't really turn my mind off so I just laid in bed thinking about what was about to come. I got up around 6:15, and we got to the hospital around 7:15. When I got there, my friend Kimberly, who is also the best Labor and Delivery Nurse known to man helped prepare me to begin labor. They started medicine to get the process started, and continued to give me the medicine every couple of hours.

I really thought we would have her by lunchtime that day, but lunchtime came and went and I was still not making progress. One of the reasons I have always had C-sections, is because my doctor says that I have the "cervix of steel" that pretty much refuses to dilate. They were consistently giving me medicine, and I was only progressing to like a 2 for most of that day. I did not take anything for the pain all day throughout all of my contractions, because I really thought I could go without it, and that she would come quickly. When we got to 11:00pm that day, I realized I was wrong, and started taking IV pain medication so that I could sleep. Even though I took the medicine, I could still feel contractions all night long and still by morning was not making much progress.

Since I had been in labor over 24 hours by Friday morning, my doctors decided to try a different fun procedure. I don't know the proper name for it, but it consisted of a balloon being blown up in my uterus, which was designed to put pressure on my cervix, and help it dilate. The balloon is designed to come out once the cervix is to a 4 or a 5. After a couple of hours, I still wasn't progressing, so they tied a big bottle of water to a string and tied it to the ballon and let it hang off my bed. Um yeah. Not pleasant. I continued to take the pain medicine throughout the day. My contractions began getting really strong and close together, and very painful. They stayed this way most of the day on Friday.

By this time, to say that I was frustrated is an understatement. I was very confused and irritated. I and many of you were begging God to let my little girl be born, and He wasn't allowing it. I just could not understand why in the world He would want me to labor for SO long, only to have the end result of a stillborn baby. There were a lot of tears needless to say, but I just kept having to remind myself that He is God and I am not and "His ways are NOT my ways and His thoughts are NOT my thoughts". We did not want me to have a C-section, because to have one I would have had to have a vertical cut on my uterus, and since I already had a horizontal one from my other sections, this would mean that any other pregnancy I might have in the future would be a risk, and I would always have to deliver around 36 weeks. I care about Kailey and Makenna too much to take that sort of risk, so that would have definitely meant that Brittyn would be our last child.

By 7pm I decided to get an epidural. I had been in labor for 36 hours, pretty much feeling every contraction, and the balloon had still not come out, which would imply I was only a 3. One of my doctor's thought this might help relax my body and make things happen as well, so I didn't argue with the suggestion. The epidural worked wonders for me. I felt so much better.

Ok...dont' read this next part if you are squeamish, but it is an important part of the story!

After about an hour I began to feel really nauseous. My nurse gave me a pill for nausea, but it did not help. My nurse went out of the room and my nurse friend Kimberly (who was now off duty) and my friend Erin snuck in the room to check on me. Thank HEAVENS they did. All of a sudden I had to throw up and I had no way of getting to a trash can or anything due to my epidural. Kimberly grabbed a bag just in time and I threw up everything I had eaten for my entire life. BUT, as I did that balloon SHOT out of my cervix. It was actually quite comical, and was definitely a good sign. The doctor came to check me and I was a 5!

Brittyn was still pretty high, so it took awhile for things to progress. At around 12:15am the doctor came to check me again and things started moving more quickly. By 1:30 I was fully dilated and then I started having major contractions and at 1:49 am, and after nearly 43 hours labor, Brittyn was born. Thankfully, the placenta and everything delivered at the same time as her, so I didn't have to have any other procedures done. Casey was able to cut the cord for the first time ever, which was really special. They brought Brittyn back to me in her special blanket, after she was cleaned up. She was 14oz and 10 inches long. They said she looked "perfect" and they couldn't find anything wrong, so we still don't know how she died. Casey and I spent time looking at her perfectly formed hands with fingernails, and perfect little feet. She had a tiny little nose and tiny little ears. The sad part was, we are pretty sure she must have passed away a couple of weeks ago, based on how she looked. Even though this was the case, she was still our third baby girl, and it was still so very hard to let her go. Our moms, my sister Laura, and Erin, all got to come and see her. They helped us take a few pictures and say goodbye.

I could feel everybody praying for us in those moments because I had the strongest feeling of peace as we were saying goodbye to her that I have ever felt. I thought I would be a crying mess, but instead I only cried some, and enjoyed being with her the rest of the time. We still have a long way to go in this journey, but I know God is with us, and I know Brittyn is with Him in Heaven right now.

Sad News

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my 23 week check-up. For the past few days, I kept thinking that the baby wasn't moving as much as I thought she should be at this point, but I did still feel nudges and flutters every now and then, so I thought she was ok. Actually, at this point in all my pregnancies I worry about movement, because it is still too early to be consistent but late enough to where you should feel something. Casey reminded me of this and told me not to worry.

Yesterday at school I felt the baby move all day long, so I thought everything would be ok. My appointment was at 4:20, but my doctor was running behind because of something that happened with one of his other patients earlier in the day. The nurse asked if I wanted to wait on him or see someone else. I decided to wait on him, because I hadn't gotten to see him since December. All my other appointments have been with his nurse practitioner. I am definitely glad that I waited.

When he finally came in, it was about 5:00. He talked with me for a bit and then I got up on the table to find the heartbeat. He looked for a really long time but couldn't find anything. He decided to go get the ultrasound machine to "see where she was hiding, so he would know for next time'. He looked at me and said "don't worry". When he came back he said "ok, its just you and me, nobody else is here!" He turned on the ultrasound machine and looked for a really long time. He didn't say a word. After several minutes he just sighed. I said "What's the matter. Just tell me". He said "Sarah, I'm really sorry. I can't find a heartbeat. I keep thinking if I keep looking that her heart will start beating, but there is nothing there".

I think that my mother's intuition had been preparing me for that moment, but I definitely was and still am in a state of shock. I don't really know when it's actually going to hit me that she has died. I had to go in today for the most excruciating procedure of my life! They had to put all of these horrendous things inside my cervix to get the process started for labor. I honestly wish I had asked for an epidural, and I have no idea how I will make it through tomorrow. Tomorrow morning I will go in to deliver the baby. (Unless I go into labor tonight). I don't know how long it will take, but I hope it doesn't take long. When she is born we will hold her for awhile and take a few pictures so that we have them to remember her by.

I don't want to think about tomorrow. I don't want to think about planning her graveside service and picking out her headstone. I don't want to tell anybody about this because that means that my baby died. I don't really know what I feel or think, I am still in shock.

I do know that God is Sovereign, and He alone sees the big picture of my life. I don't understand why babies have to die, and I think its stupid that they do. But if I don't trust in Him, then I have nothing. I cannot only praise Him when he gives me the things I want, I have to praise Him through the rain and the horrible things that He allows me to go through. Without Him my life has no purpose. The only reason we are here on this earth is to bring Him glory. Who am I to complain when something wrong happens in my life, when He has allowed so much else to go right.

When I had my miscarriage almost 3 years ago, I put the lyrics to this song on my blog, and I will put a portion of them now. Do I feel this right now? Probably not. But I believe it with all my heart.

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord
Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed Be the Name of the Lord
Blessed Be Your Glorious Name
You Give and Take Away
You Give and Take Away
My Heart Will Choose to Say
Lord Blessed Be Your Name!

Prayer Requests:

--Please pray that I don't go into labor tonight, because I want my doctor and my friend Kimberly to be with me
--Please pray that tomorrow goes quickly, and that my cervix and uterus cooperate (In the past this has been a problem, which is why I normally have C-sections)
--Please pray that either I am not in a lot of pain, or that I would be brave enough to get an epidural if I need it (I had a resident do mine with Kailey and it didn't work, which is why I had to be knocked out for my C-section)
---Please pray we would be able to have the service sometime this weekend for our traveling family members
---Please pray we would have peace and comfort for tomorrow

Thanks for reading this. And for your prayers.

And baby makes three...

Baby GIRLS that is!

We went to the doctor on Tuesday for our 18 week ultrasound. Turns out the baby is another girl! No real surprises here! We are excited to know that she is a girl, finally! Here is my 18 week update, (which I have been terrible at keeping up with!)

18 weeks


Size of Baby: The length of a bell pepper, weighs almost 7 ounces

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 7 pounds (I only gained one pound between my last two appointments!)

Maternity Clothes: All maternity pants, some maternity shirts

Gender: Its a GIRL!

Movement: Small little flutters every now and then

Sleep: Doing a bit better. The other night I went to bed at 9:30 and only had to wake up once to potty! That was fantastic!

What I miss: My daily Sonic Diet Cokes!

Cravings: Sour candy or really just enjoying to eat. I feel hungry constantly.

Symptoms: My main one is just being sleepy!

Best Moment This Week: Finding out the gender!

We ended up having to take Makenna with us to the appointment because she has an ear infection. :( After we left the appointment, we went and got pink balloons and took them to Kailey's school to have her guess what the baby is. She guessed it was a girl and said, "But I wanted a baby brother!!" We told her that God wanted us to have a baby sister, and I think she is ok with it.

Since I mentioned that Makenna has an ear infection, I thought I would share a funny story. The other day she was just miserable, and she and I were waiting in line at the pharmacy drive-thru for her prescription. She was completely silent, the whole time we were waiting (like 20 minutes, craziness!) but then as we got closer she started going "auhdog??" "audog??". At first I thought she was trying to say doctor, but then I realized she was saying "corndog??" "corndog??". Haha. She thought we were at Sonic! So of course I took my sick little baby to get a corndog, and she ate every single bite!