Today

I feel like I should blog today, since we had Brittyn's service this morning. This post may not be coherant thoughts, because I have so MANY thoughts running around in my head right now, but we'll try.

The service was just what I wanted really. We had her service at the cemetary in a small pavilion close to the gate. The weather was beautiful, and windy. But I actually really liked the wind, and even as it continued the rest of the day, I sort of think that maybe whenever we have windy spring days in the future, I will now always think of Brittyn. Pastor Ron did a great job with the Scripture, and the words of the service. Brittyn's tiny casket was at the front of the pavilion, with beautiful flowers around her. I held her blanket in my lap so that I had a part of her with me. We sang "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord" and listened to "I Will Carry You" by Todd and Angie Smith, which was probably the hardest part of the service. That song is always sad, but when the baby being sung about is your baby it is much more difficult. We had just enough people come to the service, including dear friends from out of town, and people I work with or used to work with at my old school. Everyone did a wonderful job of showing us love today.

I think the weirdest part now, is that in a sense it is over. Except it's not. It is hard for me to go from having Brittyn in my stomach, to her not being there anymore, and her not being here either. I don't know how I am supposed to go from me supposed to be turning 6 months pregnant tomorrow, to now not being pregnant at all. How do I erase all of the plans I had in my head? I was supposed to be 30 weeks pregnant when school ended and when I throw Makenna's 2 year old birthday party. I am supposed to sit in my house in high air conditioning all summer trying not to swell beyond recognition. I am supposed to get to miss inservice and the first 3 weeks of school and be at home with a newborn instead. I don't know how to erase these plans of mine and start over.

I want to go back to the cemetary and see where she is. I mean, I know she isn't there, but I want to see where she is. I want to make sure she is safe and that her area looks pretty enough for her. I don't know. It's just hard. Kailey has it much more figured out than me. It is really amazing how little children have such a pure belief in God and they don't let any of their human thoughts and desires get in the way. This is a conversation I had with her last night:

Kailey: Mommy, why are you crying?
Me: Because I wish baby Brittyn was alive.
Kailey: But she is mommy, in Heaven!
Me: Well we want her to live with us.
Kailey: Well we will get to live with her in Heaven someday!

So true. I mean how much better than this earth is that? Why should I want her here, when she can be there?

For some reason when I think of Brittyn I think of beautiful plants and flowers, so I am going to try to take up some gardening this week. I'm going to try to make this hanging plant garden I found on Pinterest, and hopefully be able to keep it alive. I like the idea of having plants to take care of, that will remind me of her, that I can care for instead of her. Hopefully that works out, because I definitely don't normally have much of a green thumb.

We have definitely had a peace throughout the past few days, which I know only comes from God. I also know we have it, because of all of your prayers for us. Speaking of peace, we found out that Brittyn's name means "peace". How perfect. We always thought it just meant "Britain". haha I'm glad we didn't find that out until now, it is so much more special this way.

This was a jumbled post, but that is kinda where I'm at today. Jumbled. :)