Many Warring Emotions

I have had a very peaceful week off from school. The girls went to daycare everyday except for yetserday, so I was able to get a lot of rest, and work on some projects to honor Brittyn, which I'll post about later. One thing that I am beginning to realize is that as I go through this grief journey, it is going to be much like a roller coaster. One minute I am feeling fine, and so thankful for all that God has given us, and the next minute I am in tears because I am sad for all I am going to miss out on experiencing with Brittyn. I am so thankful for everyone who is praying for us, and sending us sympathy cards and gifts in the mail. It is really such an encouragement. When I get these things in the mail, it helps me to make it through what we are going through. These are the moments that I am at the top of the roller coaster. The times I am at the bottom of the roller coaster are when I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to still be pregnant with Brittyn, and expecting her in August. It makes me so sad I am not going to smell her newborn skin, and dress her in her pretty outfits that are already hanging in her closet. It's like I want so badly to be pregnant again, but in the very next breath I can't imagine being pregnant with any baby except for Brittyn. I just don't want to replace her. So I am just stuck in this place of not really knowing what to do about another baby one day. I really just want this all to be a really bad dream. I just want her back so badly, which obviously cannot happen. Then, if I feel like God wants us to try for another baby, there is the whole gender issue. Part of me cannot stand the thought of NOT having another baby girl. I mean I already was all excited about having 3 sisters. But then the other part of me can't stand the thought of it being a baby girl, because like I said, I don't want to replace Brittyn. Then there is the part of me that feels guilty for only thinking of Brittyn right now. Sometimes I just think about her and cry, and then I have to snap out of it, because of my girls. I know there is a reason that God gave me Kailey and Makenna, and did not give me Brittyn, and even though I don't understand why, I have to remember this and treasure my sweet girls and be the mommy they need me to be. So that is where I am today. With MANY warring emotions. I am thankful I don't have to figure all of this out right now, and I am thankful God is taking care of me in the midst of my confusion. I am starting back to work on Monday, which will be hard, but good I think. I will give an update on Brittyn's Garden in a new post sometime this weekend. It turned out really perfect. :)