Sad News

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my 23 week check-up. For the past few days, I kept thinking that the baby wasn't moving as much as I thought she should be at this point, but I did still feel nudges and flutters every now and then, so I thought she was ok. Actually, at this point in all my pregnancies I worry about movement, because it is still too early to be consistent but late enough to where you should feel something. Casey reminded me of this and told me not to worry.

Yesterday at school I felt the baby move all day long, so I thought everything would be ok. My appointment was at 4:20, but my doctor was running behind because of something that happened with one of his other patients earlier in the day. The nurse asked if I wanted to wait on him or see someone else. I decided to wait on him, because I hadn't gotten to see him since December. All my other appointments have been with his nurse practitioner. I am definitely glad that I waited.

When he finally came in, it was about 5:00. He talked with me for a bit and then I got up on the table to find the heartbeat. He looked for a really long time but couldn't find anything. He decided to go get the ultrasound machine to "see where she was hiding, so he would know for next time'. He looked at me and said "don't worry". When he came back he said "ok, its just you and me, nobody else is here!" He turned on the ultrasound machine and looked for a really long time. He didn't say a word. After several minutes he just sighed. I said "What's the matter. Just tell me". He said "Sarah, I'm really sorry. I can't find a heartbeat. I keep thinking if I keep looking that her heart will start beating, but there is nothing there".

I think that my mother's intuition had been preparing me for that moment, but I definitely was and still am in a state of shock. I don't really know when it's actually going to hit me that she has died. I had to go in today for the most excruciating procedure of my life! They had to put all of these horrendous things inside my cervix to get the process started for labor. I honestly wish I had asked for an epidural, and I have no idea how I will make it through tomorrow. Tomorrow morning I will go in to deliver the baby. (Unless I go into labor tonight). I don't know how long it will take, but I hope it doesn't take long. When she is born we will hold her for awhile and take a few pictures so that we have them to remember her by.

I don't want to think about tomorrow. I don't want to think about planning her graveside service and picking out her headstone. I don't want to tell anybody about this because that means that my baby died. I don't really know what I feel or think, I am still in shock.

I do know that God is Sovereign, and He alone sees the big picture of my life. I don't understand why babies have to die, and I think its stupid that they do. But if I don't trust in Him, then I have nothing. I cannot only praise Him when he gives me the things I want, I have to praise Him through the rain and the horrible things that He allows me to go through. Without Him my life has no purpose. The only reason we are here on this earth is to bring Him glory. Who am I to complain when something wrong happens in my life, when He has allowed so much else to go right.

When I had my miscarriage almost 3 years ago, I put the lyrics to this song on my blog, and I will put a portion of them now. Do I feel this right now? Probably not. But I believe it with all my heart.

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord
Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed Be the Name of the Lord
Blessed Be Your Glorious Name
You Give and Take Away
You Give and Take Away
My Heart Will Choose to Say
Lord Blessed Be Your Name!

Prayer Requests:

--Please pray that I don't go into labor tonight, because I want my doctor and my friend Kimberly to be with me
--Please pray that tomorrow goes quickly, and that my cervix and uterus cooperate (In the past this has been a problem, which is why I normally have C-sections)
--Please pray that either I am not in a lot of pain, or that I would be brave enough to get an epidural if I need it (I had a resident do mine with Kailey and it didn't work, which is why I had to be knocked out for my C-section)
---Please pray we would be able to have the service sometime this weekend for our traveling family members
---Please pray we would have peace and comfort for tomorrow

Thanks for reading this. And for your prayers.