13 weeks

As most of you know, we found out at the end of May that I am expecting Baby number 5! It has definitely been a roller coaster of emotions, as has the past year, but we are definitely very blessed, and excited.

My first doctor's appointment was scheduled for the day of my grandpa's funeral, so I had to reschedule it for July 2nd. It was SUCH a huge leap of faith to do that. I just really wanted that peace of mind, as early as possible. But, losing Brittyn taught me, that you can have all of your appointments go wonderfully, but that doesn't ultimately mean you will keep the baby. Plus, God is in control, whether I am at the doctor's office or not, so I just had to trust Him.

Thankfully my appointment went really well, even though I was SO nervous. I am due on January 27th!



Tomorrow, I will be 13 weeks, which I am thankful for. I am really going to try hard to update at least once a month on how things are going. We will see how that works out!

Pregnancy Highlights

How far along: 13 weeks

Size of baby: About 3 inches long, and weighs about 1 ounce. (The size of a pea in a pod)

Maternity Clothes: Not yet. For a few of my pants, I've been wearing my belly band, but mainly just because I don't like squeezing into them, even though I could. Plus, most days I just stay in pajamas. (See: LAZY Stay-at-home mom, from last post).

Gender: We will find out on September 6th (I could have scheduled it for a week earlier, but that is the first week of school, and well, yeah right. Thankfully my doctor will be doing my ultrasound this time, instead of radiology, which I am thrilled about!)

Total Weight Gain: I am hoping not much. I'll know after my appointment next Wednesday.

Movement: None yet.

Sleep: What is that? It really is ridiculous, but I have such bad insomnia, plus the peeing every 30 minutes, that I usually cannot fall asleep until around 2:30 or so. It is just awful.

What I miss: Sleep. And drinking diet coke whenever I want. :)

Cravings: Sandwiches. Which is SO weird, because normally I will avoid eating sandwiches at all cost.

Symptoms: Peeing every 30 minutes, some round ligament pain that just started this week, and the insomnia. Oh, and sometimes my sciatic nerve in my back hurts, which also causes me to not be able to sleep.

Best moment this week: Hm. I didn't really have anything big that happened this week pregnancy-wise.

Here is a pic of my from last week, at the 12 week mark (See: never get dressed, LAZY stay-at-home mom, last post):

Our Summer (so far)

It has been awhile since I have updated the ole blog! Part of this is because every time I think about having to upload our pictures to make the blog interesting, I cringe. The main reason is because this past week was literally the first week since school let out that we were in town, and didn't have anything we had to participate in. It has been a whirlwind of a summer, and I am thankful I still have one month left until inservice!

School let out on June 5th, and we left on June 9th for Nashville! Casey took the youth to Mfuge at Belmont University, and since my sister Allison lives there, I thought it would be a fun idea to go with them and hang out with her. So, my mom, me, and the girls made the LOOOOOOONG trek to Nashville. We had a great time trying new restaurants, getting to do ministry with Casey at some Rec Centers, going to the zoo, roaming around the Gaylord Opryland Hotel, eating lunch and shopping at the Farmer's Market, shopping downtown, and spending time with Aunt Allison. The only two downfalls were that 1) The girls did NOT want to sleep at the hotel, so it was a challenge getting rest and 2) It was such a LOOOOOOOONG trip. But, I would definitely follow Casey to camp again, because it was nice getting to not be apart from him for the whole week. Here are a few pictures:



Up until recently, I have been very blessed to still have all 4 of my grandparents, still living. The last week of April, my dad got a phone call that his 93 year old dad, had a heart attack. For two months my dad was back and forth between Oklahoma taking care of his mom and dad, every single weekend. My grandparents were married for almost 73 years, and had been living in the same house for more than 60 years! When my grandpa had his heart attack we had to move my grandma into assisted living, and my grandpa was put into a rehab nursing home. He was doing really well rehabbing, but the week before we left for Nashville he was taken to the hospital again, and took a turn for the worst. The next to last day we were in Nashville, my Grandpa King passed away. He lived a very wonderful, full, long, life. The funeral was set for Monday, and we arrived home from Nashville on Friday at 12:30am. Casey did not arrive until Saturday night, late. We left right after church on Sunday to make it in time for the visitation, attended the funeral on Monday, and turned around and came home that same day. Needless to say, we were a tiny bit burnt out on traveling by this point. But, I will say, that the girls did AWESOME traveling. I really couldn't have asked for them to be any better than they were, which was a blessing!

For the remainder of that week, and the following week, Kailey attended swimming lessons at UHMB. This was our first summer of lessons, and she did really well. Up until this summer she has been completely afraid of the water, but she did SO great, and by the end she was jumping off the diving board (still with floaties) with no fear. Here are a few pics of her:



The first week of swimming lessons, the girls also had their 3 year and 5 year check-ups, and passed with flying colors! I also had a teacher workshop for 3 days, which really felt like inservice. :( But when I got done, I realized I still had 2 months of summer left, which was a relief! The second week of swimming lessons, we had Vacation Bible School at church. This was the first year that both girls really understood where we were, what we were doing, and they had so much fun! The only downfall was that it was from 6:30-8:45, 5 nights in a row, so needless to say our sleep schedule got waaaay off, and honestly has not fully recovered!

The following week was the 4th of July! We went back to the Yogi Bear Jellystone resort in Burleson, Texas with Casey's family. That place is just so much fun! In fact, we already reserved our cabin for next summer! We celebrated Casey's 32nd birthday while we were there, participated in a 4th of July parade, and had a lot of fun swimming and other random things.



Kailey left Yogi Bear with Casey's parents, to spend the week in Louisiana. We got home from Yogi Bear on Friday night (the 5th), and then on Sunday, Makenna, my sister Emily, and I left for Oklahoma. As I mentioned earlier, my grandparents had lived in their house for a little over 60 years. And my grandmother literally had never thrown anything away in her life. Seriously. Twisty ties. Plastic bags. Cool Whip containers. Medicine cups. The list goes on. So, we headed up to the house to help my mom and dad (and my sister Laura and brother-in-law Kyle, who also live in Oklahoma) clean out the house. Oh my. Words cannot express what a task this was. We literally took 4 huge loads to the dump, and still had gobs of trinkets, and such to sell at an Estate Sale. We ended up only selling like 1/2 of what we had, and then on the last day of the sale we just told the people that were there to take whatever they wanted for $5! Most of it got hauled away by them, and then my parents took one more load to the dump. My parents arrived at the house on July 4th, and came home on July 14th. It was quite the task! Casey came up on Thursday of that week, and brought Makenna and I home on Saturday. On our way through Dallas, we picked up Kailey, and headed home. By this time, I was even more burnt out on traveling!

This past week was our first week at home without a single thing to do. It was glorious and boring all at the same time. I have come to the conclusion that if I was a full-time stay at home mom, I would be horrible at it. I think I would atrophy into nothing. I am so LAZY! I don't fix my hair, I don't wear make-up, I don't plan fun things for the kids. Eesh. Not to mention that my children have both given up their naps until their teenage years.

I am hoping I am wrong about this, and that I was just tired from traveling. Of course it didn't help that it rained all week and we couldn't go to the splash pad. Needless to say, this week I am going to be one of those really great stay-at-home Pinterest moms that plans cool things like making Moon Sand and finger painting in Ziplock bags. After all, we do still have a month of summer, so hopefully we can still have some at-home fun!

Although we do still have two short trips planned.

Eesh.

Life for 1,000

Brittyn's well in Uganda is complete!We are so incredibly happy, humbled, and at peace because of this project. We are so incredibly blessed to have so many family and friends who gave money to donate so that her well could be funded by her birthday, and built shortly afterwards! Because Brittyn is not here, 1,000 people now have clean drinking water in Uganda, which is AMAZING! Here are pictures of this blessing.



If you have lost a baby, and want to do this in honor of them, the website is www.holdenuganda.org.

BEW Weight Loss Results

So sorry for the delay in writing the Final Results of the BEW Weight loss challenge. Obviously, I have had other things I have been thinking about in between all the memories with Brittyn and also getting my students ready for STAAR next week! However, I am super pumped about the way things turned out for everyone! (I was going to post pics, but I keep forgetting to take them of myself! When I get them done, I'll add them!)

Total Weight Loss for me: 16.8 pounds!

My goal was 20 pounds, but considering I have basically been on "maintaining mode" since Spring Break, I'll take it!

Total Weight Loss for Everyone in the challenge: I previously reported 73.8, however it was actually 92.8! Isn't that SO awesome?? I am super proud of everyone who participated! The big time winner was Tammy with a 19 pound weight loss! She also lost 2 dress sizes and several inches, Yay Tammy! I will get you your gift card very soon! :)

Ok, so obviously I have a bunch more weight that I need to lose, so I plan to keep on going! My next short term goal is to lose 11.8 pounds by the time school is out. I know. That seems like a lot in a short amount of time, but if I really stick to my diet, and maybe let Jillian Michaels toss me around a bit, I think I can do it! I'm already going to be holding one person accountable, so if you would like for me to keep asking you every Friday as well, just let me know! Great work everyone!

Brittyn's flower party

As I wrote in this post, from last year, ever since losing Brittyn I find a special connection between planting flowers and remembering her. What better way to celebrate her little life, than to have a flower party! That is just what we did yesterday with our family and friends. Everything turned out just perfectly, and I am so thankful for those of you who came and celebrated with us. Here are some of my favorite pictures, and as always, there are more on facebook!




Every person got to plant a flower to take home, and the kids made flower necklaces, but mostly just played and had fun in the yard, and eating flower snacks. We had a balloon release as well, and this is what I read before we released the balloons:

"On days like this I always say a little prayer that God will allow Brittyn to see how much she is loved. We obviously wish she was here, but we know she is in a much better place. This has been one of the hardest years of my life and all that got me through it was my faith that God is Sovereign and that he knows the big picture of my life. Angie Smith posted on her blog the other day because it has been 5 years since Audrey died. She was talking about how she always looks out in her yard and wishes she could see Audrey playing. She wrote this about that, which really ministered to me:

"My prayer for myself today and for all of you is that you will hear the still-strong voice of the Lord comforting you as He reminds you that you can only see a bit of the page.
The roots are strong, love.
There is life deeper than you’ll ever know here.
Savor the fragrance and revel in the brightness when it comes, and grieve it when it goes. It’s the nature of our flesh to do so.
But also, remember you too are a very young tree.
And there are many things ahead that you couldn’t begin to manage beholding, not even in your wildest daydreams.
They’re better than bare feet in grass, and better even than candles on a cake.They’re the pages that are yet to come, and this is a chapter that declares you believe it is so."

So some days we will be sad as we mourn the loss of our Sweet Brittyn, but mostly we will trust that God sees the whole story of our lives and he has something in store for our future."

It was beautiful, and peaceful, and wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better celebration to honor her.

Happy Heavenly Birthday Brittyn!

I can't believe it has been one year. One year of an empty womb. One year since I held my precious, perfectly formed baby. One year of having to trust in God, even when sometimes it was hard. One year of realizing that I am not in control, even when I really think that I am. My eyes are burning from the tears I have cried today, on Brittyn's first Heavenly birthday, but I am finishing the day with unexplainable peace, love, and incredible joy.

These past few days have been incredibly hard for me. I think about Brittyn every single day of the year. Some days it is a fleeting thought about how she is gone, other days I think about things I remember from this time last year. Obviously this week I have let myself go back to that place, more than I typically do, which has been really good for me. All I have are the moments between April 10th, and April 14th to remember her by. That is all, so I treasure what I have from those days, even if some of the moments are so incredibly sad.

I remember how light she was at 14 oz, I remember how soft she was in her bundle of a blanket that I still have today. I remember the way she smelled, and how tiny tiny her little fists and feet were. I remember what her little lips looked like and how her face looked like Makenna.

It has been a roller coaster of a year for me, but I like to think that it has mostly been on the "up" of the roller coaster, instead of the "down". Here are some of the many "ups" and positive realizations that have come to be, because of losing Brittyn (in a totally random order):

1. I really love my children. I mean, I always thought I did, but losing her has taught me just how much I love them. Every single day (no exaggeration) there is at least one moment, where I catch myself looking at them and treasuring the moment with them. (There are plenty of those "I am going to pull my hair out" moments too, don't get me wrong, but I can honestly say there is at least one moment each day where this is true). I have always said "babies are a blessing" and last year, I saw a tiny little baby at 23 weeks gestation, and it showed me what a miracle each child truly is.

2. I have such a strong belief in God's Sovereignty. In my head, I have always known He is in control. But, He really is. He sees the plan for my life, and He knows why Brittyn is with Him, instead of with us. He knows what is best for my life, even when I feel like the best is different. Knowing this about God gives me such incredible peace, and such incredible faith in those moments that I am feeling myself start to be discouraged or upset. Believe me there have been moments when I have been so sad and moments where I could not understand why this has happened, and the Holy Spirit reminds me that I don't know the full story. I don't know the big picture. I have to trust Him, because He, and only He does.

3. In December, Casey and I went to the Women of Faith Christmas celebration. While there, God laid it upon my heart to go the World Vision table to see if any of the children had Brittyn's birthday. Sure enough, we found Klajda, who was born on April 14, 2001, the year Casey and I met. We knew it was meant for us to find her, and we have been sponsoring her ever since. Without losing Brittyn, she might not have a sponsor, and her life would be drastically different.

4. With your help we have a mostly funded well being built in Uganda that will have Brittyn's name on it! 1,000 people in Uganda will get clean drinking water from this well. To think that without losing Brittyn, those people wouldn't have clean drinking water is an incredibly humbling feeling. So incredible. (I say mostly funded, because we are just under $2,000. They really like to collect between $2,000-$2,400, so if you still want to contribute go to Holden Uganda and find Brittyn's well under the Donate/Support tab).

5. The BEW Weight Loss challenge was a success! I lost 16.8 pounds, and over all there were 73.8 pounds lost in the competition! Those are pounds that might not have been lost if it weren't for the competition we held in Brittyn's name. (blog to follow about the competition!)

6. I feel like I realize why I was in labor for so long with her. I mean 40 + hours of labor was not anything I had ever experienced, and at times it was excruciating. I remember begging God to let her come, and so many of you were asking God for the same thing. I now realize that if I had delivered her within a couple of hours, that would have been so hard for me. To go from being pregnant, to finding out she was gone, to delivering her, to handing her over, within a short period of time just wouldn't have been good for me. So He, in His Sovereignty allowed me to labor for hours, so I would have those moments to remember her by. I treasure those moments because I really saw how much we are loved by so many of you that came by the hospital, or called me, or collected gift cards for us, or gathered to pray for us, you name it. Those hours really showed me what true friends I have in you, and for that I am incredibly grateful. (Read Brittyn's birth story here.

7. Yesterday evening I went through my "Brittyn box". It is FULL of all the cards and letters people sent to us during the weeks following Brittyn's death. I read every single one of them, and found tidbits of truths that I had forgotten about. A spouse of a coworker wrote me a very kind email last year, where she spoke about how my love for Brittyn will be different than for my other two girls, but that I will still find a way to love them all. Casey read the email for the first time, and I suppose he thought about it through the night. This morning at church, he said to me "Sometimes I find it hard to be as sad as you about losing Brittyn, because I find so much joy in the two girls we do have". It was a total light-bulb moment for me. I feel like God looked down and spoke to me. One of the BEST ways that I can love Brittyn, and that I can show love for Brittyn is by loving Kailey, Makenna, and Casey well. Brittyn is full of so much love right now in Heaven, she is not lacking for any. This whole year, every time a date came around that was a memory for me, I just would get so incredibly sad, and almost feel like I HAD to mourn her, or I wasn't giving her memory justice. I think it was so good for me to go through this year of mourning her in that way, but I have such peace today, because I don't need to do that anymore. The way I will love Brittyn from now on, is by loving my husband and my girls. That brings the most amount of love to my sweet Brittyn. That is what will make her smile down on us from Heaven, I just know it!

It has been a hard year, and one I hope I never have to repeat, but I am so thankful for all that God has shown me, and I can only hope that I am using the loss of Brittyn in the way that He hoped I would, to bring glory to His name.

April 10th

One year. It's been one year today, since we got the awful news that Brittyn was gone. Today hasn't been very pleasant for me. Throughout this year I have learned so much about myself, and I always try to keep in my heart, and my head, that God is Sovereign, and He knows what is best for our family. I believe that wholeheartedly, but today is a day when, even though I know that, and I believe that, I am sad. So incredibly sad. I wish she was here. I wish that appointment had never happened like it did. I wish she would have had a heartbeat.

But she didn't.

I will post more, on her birthday, about what this year has taught me. But for today I will be sad, and I will think of her, and that moment last year. Here is my post from last year, if you want to remember what happened during that appointment as vividly as I do.

Sad News