This is the time.
The time when I am supposed to be doing the "less than a month" countdown. This is the time when I am supposed to be posting updates about how I am 36 weeks and not even in the slightest bit dialated. This is the time when I am supposed to talk about how my doctor thinks Brittyn is going to be at least a 9 pound baby. This is the time when I am supposed to pull the girls' baby clothes down from the attic, only to discover some of my favorites have stains. This is the time when I look on facebook, and I see 5 of my friends are going through the same pregnancy symptoms as me, and I comment on their statuses and relate to their struggles, instead of looking at those 5 friends' statuses, and weeping because she's not here and I feel she should be. This is not the time for me to be doing the "Ripped in 30" workout by Jillian Michaels. I should be stuffing my face with whatever I want, and stuffing Tums down my face all night long because of the insane heartburn.
It's so easy to sit and cry and mourn for what should be happening, in my own human perspective. Believe me I do that plenty. More often than not though I try to bring myself back to the simple reminder that, Brittyn isn't here. And no matter how much I think those things above should be going on, that was not in His plan for my life. It's so hard. I wanted that to be His plan for my life. I want so badly to be about to have my sweet baby girl. Instead of marking the 3 month anniversary of her being gone. Instead of welcoming her into this world like I want to be, I am still mourning the fact that she is gone.
It is a daily decision. I can talk about all the should have beens, or I can choose life. I can choose to live my life in a way that glorifies God, and rejoice in all of my beautiful blessings that I do have, or I can constantly moan and say "well today I should be having a doctor's appointment" or "today I should be 36 weeks pregnant". He doesn't want me to live that way. It doesn't bring Him glory.
I want to bring Him glory.
So even though "this is the time"...
Even though I am still going to have some sad days...
I have to choose life. I have to choose to bring Him glory, even in the midst of this time.
Here I go again.
14 years ago
3 comments:
So beautifully said. It's very true. A struggle I also face daily but one that when I chose to live the life God has for me I feel blessed to be able to be his mommy and walking In Gods grace.
I can relate to what you are saying. It has been 14 months for us since Gideon went to heaven and there will always be sad days and sad moments. I have days where I get in the shower, or I hold his blanket and just cry my eyes out because I miss my son....But I choose to live this life with joy. In the midst of joy, there is pain. But, without the pain we would never fully enjoy the joy....We are blessed to be the mommies of these wonderful children. These children who already fulfilled their purpose on this earth. I desire to live my life the way that God wants me to, and some days that is weeping and most days that is with dancing. I am praying for you.
I can relate to what you are saying. It has been 14 months for us since Gideon went to heaven and there will always be sad days and sad moments. I have days where I get in the shower, or I hold his blanket and just cry my eyes out because I miss my son....But I choose to live this life with joy. In the midst of joy, there is pain. But, without the pain we would never fully enjoy the joy....We are blessed to be the mommies of these wonderful children. These children who already fulfilled their purpose on this earth. I desire to live my life the way that God wants me to, and some days that is weeping and most days that is with dancing. I am praying for you.
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