Honoring Brittyn

Today was Brittyn's due date. I remember when I found out that I was pregnant with her, I was like "Wowsers! That is very close to school starting!". I went through a few months of not knowing how in the world that was going to work out, and then finally being at peace with realizing that a substitute teacher would start my school year for me. I felt like it was God's way of showing me that He was in control, and that I was not. I was going to have her sometime this week, then I was going to miss inservice and 3 weeks of the school year. I was going to have Kailey and Makenna start back to school when they normally would have, and then I was going to have Brittyn all to myself for 3 whole weeks.

Yep, that was my plan.

Obviously, in April we found out that God had a plan different from mine. He wasn't going to teach me that He was in control by having me out of my classroom this fall. Instead He was going to teach me He was in control by me losing my baby girl, and having no other choice but to trust Him.

When I think back to April, and everything I had to go through to lose her, it feels like it was forever ago. In the same way, it feels like her due date has taken forever to get here. It is like I have been waiting on pins and needes for this day to come, so that I could move on past it. In some ways, I have felt like I have needed to keep her memory so close to the surface each day of these past 4 months, to make sure I carry her in my heart as long as I would have carried her in my womb. I know that I will carry her in my heart for the rest of my life, but I also know she won't always be as near to me as she has been for the past 4 months. I am sad about that, but as I have gone through these months, and today, one thing I know for sure is that she is with Jesus! I shouldn't want to keep her from that! I should be overflowing with joy that she is there with Him! That is our ultimate goal, to make it to Him one day! She doesn't have to have pain or sorrow...ever!

So in some ways, I feel that having her due date pass by, is giving me a sense of peace. This was God's plan for her life. For my life. I don't know what the future holds, and I never have known what it holds, even when I thought I did. All I know for sure is that God is Sovereign, and He is in control, and He has an amazing plan for my life, just as He has an amazing plan for hers in Heaven with Him.

We wanted to honor Brittyn today, and remember her in a special way. Casey and I both googled some different ways to remember babies that have passed away, and one idea that kept coming up was to have a balloon release. So that is what we did. We bought a dozen pink and white balloons and on each one we wrote a special message to Brittyn. Kailey even told us some things she wanted to say to Brittyn. Then we released them, one by one, and watched them float into the sky to Heaven.

Obviously I am not so crazy as to think that they will actually go to Heaven. I even said to Casey "She won't even get to read them".

But then he turned to me and said, "But, what if she does?"

So, that has been my prayer today. That she got to read them. That maybe God let her have a "window from Heaven" as Karen Kingsbury says in her books, to see what we said to her today, so that she can see how much we love and miss her. Here are some pictures from our day.

(We found out that they are going to replace the headstone, due to the grammar mistake with arms.)