Faith and Miracles

Warning: This post may be all over the place, with a lot of rambling. I have a lot on my mind.

My faith has been tested this week to say the least. The last time I took a Spiritual Gifts test, it said that one of my gifts was Faith. I have always considered myself the type of Christian that completely trusts God, no matter what is going on around me. Through my miscarriage 2 years ago, it was painful, but I knew that God was with me and had a reason for it. Through Mrs. Baird's horrific car accident, I could see the hand of God in her survival. I knew God had a greater purpose for her life, through her accident. But this week, my faith was hit hard.

My best friend is 18 weeks pregnant, and went in for her ultrasound this past Tuesday. The big ultrasound where they find out the gender of the baby. This ultrasound has also become known in my mind as the scary ultrasound. I have read so many blogs about people who have found out at this specific ultrasound that their babies had a life-threatening disease, so I always wait with baited breath to find out the results.

This day was no different.

When my friends were in their ultrasound on Tuesday they found out that the baby is not urinating, therefore its bladder is full of urine and there is no amniotic fluid. They were told this could mean a number of things. Anywhere from the baby having a blockage, all the way to a chromosomal abnormality, such as downs syndrome. One of the biggest problems is that since the baby doesn't have fluid around it, it cannot move, and its organs are not developing. She immediately had to rush to Houston to have tests run to find out which situation she was in. She was told that if it was a chromosomal issue, there was nothing that could be done, and she would just have to wait on the baby to die. She was told if there was no chromosomal issue, but the baby was a girl, she would not be able to do anything but wait on the baby to die. If not in utero, then at birth. Then she was given a third option, which was for the baby to not have a chromosomal issue, and to be a boy. If that was what the tests revealed, then she could have a fetal surgery to place a stint in the baby's bladder, to remove the blockage.

Well after all the stories I have read about, and seen, I immediately assumed one of the most horrible things would happen to this baby. After all, the chances of the third option were very slim. It is not that I didn't think God could heal the baby, its that I didn't think He would. Its not that I don't believe He cares. I KNOW He cares. I just realize that sometimes God lets really awful things happen to the faithful, so that He gets more glory. I guess in my own mind, I feel as if I am still having faith in God, because I believe that He can heal, and He does care, but that He just might choose not to.

I guess though, this has gotten me to thinking. Am I doubting, because I think about the things God might allow to happen instead? I guess I am. It is just hard for me to get away from thinking about those alternatives. I have seen God perform some miracles in my day. Mrs. Baird is an (almost) walking miracle, for one. But, just because I know God can perform a miracle, doesn't mean He will choose to. That is what I am having a hard time with. It's not even that I am having a hard time with the thought that He might not. I am more angry with myself that I am doubting that He will perform one. ( I told you this post would be all over the place).

So anyway, today my friends went to find the results of their tests. They found out that the baby is a BOY and that he does not have any chromosomal issues! When I got the text today at school, I nearly fell out of my chair! (**Disclaimer. I was NOT texting with students in my class. It may or may not have been during my department planning, excuse me "collaborative" period**) It was like God was looking down at me and saying "See? I am here! I am taking care of this situation, even when you do not think I am going to provide the result you most desire! Trust in Me!". It was just amazing. It was one of the only times I remember being smacked in the face for my doubt.

My friends are not out of the woods yet. They have to get another test done to make sure the baby can have surgery. If they get to have surgery, and the baby makes it to term, the baby could have physical abnormalities, or bad kidneys, etc. It is all very scary. The bottom line is this: God is in control, and His will is going to be done. No matter how much I am scared, or don't like it, He is in control and His will is best.

To make this post even more all over the place, get this: I was looking at facebook, and one of my other friends had her ultrasound on Tuesday as well. They found out that their baby is not developing a brain and is going to either be a stillbirth or die right after birth.

Like I said, my faith has been tested this week in a big way.